Tag: Resilience

Chances are, if you’ve worked or volunteered on a team, you’ve witnessed someone being bullied (or been on the receiving end of it). Criticism is a normal part of work life but criticism meant to intimidate, humiliate, or single someone out without reason is considered bullying. The Muse defines it as “a repeated health harming mistreatment of one or more people. It includes verbal abuse, intimidating, threatening or humiliating the target. It can, and often does, interfere with the target’s ability to get their work done.” When bullying happens, it throws us off. Our brains go haywire because it’s unexpected and typically we’re unsure how to respond. According to The Balance, more men (70%) are bullies and women are the most frequent targets of bullies (60%). Female bullies most often target other women (80%). And if you think you’re off the hook because of working remotely, bullying has actually increased from 30% to 47% during virtual meetings in 2020 according to the Workplace Bullying Institute.

A few years ago, a friend told me about an unsettling meeting she’d had with her manager and team. The discussion was about how their compensation was structured. The conversation wasn’t about salary - it was focused on how people were incentivized. Her new manager didn’t understand why a salesperson would push revenue to a month where they needed to achieve their number. As my friend started to explain why it’s beneficial for a salesperson to move revenue to a different month (hint: they get paid more), he became extremely agitated. He threw up his hand in her face and yelled, “I did not give you permission to speak!” What? Everyone was stunned and silent. She asked to speak to him privately after the meeting and never reported him to his boss. Why? She was 54 and was concerned about being retaliated against by him and she was concerned about finding another full time job. She knew his behavior had more to do with control and a sense of power than anything she said.  She learned some valuable lessons that day. Here are three tips on how to respond.

1. Take a Meta Moment: Pause and don’t respond at all - even if your heart is racing. When you DO decide to respond, do so in a calm manner. This not only reflects how rational you are - but it also tends to highlight how irrational the other person is being.
2. Confront it Privately or Report It: My friend addressed it immediately and asked to meet him privately. Although she didn’t feel reporting his behavior would help her in any way, asking him directly why he reacted that way felt empowering. Taking this action also set a boundary so he wouldn’t verbally harass her again (and he didn’t). At the time, she felt reporting it to the HR department or to his boss would have exacerbated the situation. Whatever you decide, do something instead of nothing. If you don’t say anything, the power imbalance and bullying behavior will continue. The Muse suggested the following ways to address it:
   - Call attention to their values: Try “I know that you really care about everyone feeling valued, and when you do X, it undermines that intention. Maybe we could try Y in the future?
   - Explain why it’s a problem: Try “I notice you X, and when you do that it makes it hard for us to foster a team environment.”
   - Say their name a lot: “John, I hear what you are saying but John, I need you to stop doing X. I treat you with respect, John, and I need you to do the same.” 

   Side Note: Some people have questioned whether or not his behavior was legally actionable. It wasn’t. The law does not require that your boss or coworkers be nice or fair. But such harassment might be illegal if the harassment is based on an illegal reason or motive. It’s only if you can prove that the person singled you out because of age, gender or race that it would be actionable. This could be changing, however, with the Healthy Workplace Bill.

3. Compassion Builds Resilience: One thing that helped her get through the hostile encounter was compassion. She thought, “Wow. Something is really off with this individual. Maybe his wife asked for a divorce right before the meeting or maybe he learned he has cancer.” It sounds funny but it was her way of reframing the situation because she knew it was about his own mental state and low EQ. According to an article in the Harvard Business Review “One of the most overlooked aspects of a resilience skill set is the ability to cultivate compassion — both self-compassion and compassion for others. According to research cited by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, compassion increases positive emotions, creates positive work relationships, and increases cooperation and collaboration. . .Compassion and business effectiveness are not mutually exclusive. Rather, individual, team and organizational success rely on a compassionate work culture.”

So if it happens, pause, address it and then reframe it. A few months later, that manager was fired. While it would be great if all bullies experienced the same fate, it’s always good to build resilience and be armed with different ways to respond.

Reviewed & Recommended:

Workplace Bullying: How to Identify and Manage Bullying

How to Deal With a Bully in the Workplace

Your Complete Guide to Dealing With Workplace Bullies

Turns out a lot. Shame about age and being recognized as someone who happens to be older. If it’s regarding age and searching for a job – shame is especially egregious. What’s interesting is that we shame ourselves. When we admit that maybe age was the reason we did not get that interview or land that job, then we’re admitting that we are a victim. And being a victim is not who we identify with if we are ambitious and want to do interesting and challenging things even - god forbid - in our 50s, 60s and beyond. 

 It’s time to swap age shame for age pride.

                                                                            -Ashton Applewhite

A few months ago, I went on a hike with someone who had been looking for a position in marketing - for two years. She had an amazing background working for big tech companies in the Pacific Northwest. You know what else she had? Beautiful gray hair. Perhaps she’s a terrible interviewer or didn’t prepare well before speaking to a hiring team - but I doubt it. She talked about the shame she felt and the word “embarrassed” came up several times when friends would ask how the job hunt was going. When I asked several people if they’d consider signing up for a career matching platform for people with 20+ years of experience, their response was enthusiastic at first and then lukewarm. They did not want to self select as someone who needed help landing a job because of their age. 

When I went through Founder Institute last September, one advisor said after my pitch, “I don’t believe it. It’s not a thing. Ageism at the hiring level is not a problem to solve.” I could feel my face burning but since we were not allowed to respond to an advisor’s comments, I said, “Thank you for your input” while inwardly screaming. Which brings me back to denial and shame. My hunch is that she didn’t see it as a problem because a) She never experienced it and b) She believed it’s all about having a “growth mindset”. Growing, learning, falling down and learning from it are valuable lessons in life and I’m a big fan of Dr. Carol Dweck who covers this topic.  But this is different. It’s a societal construct that needs to be dismantled and it’s a damaging one at that. Since longevity and the 100 year life are here to stay, we need to make sure that opportunities exist to earn at any age. In fact, it’s so critical the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals calls for “decent work and economic growth” as their eighth initiative to be achieved by 2030.

We believe it’s time to lose stereotypes about people over 40.  We believe the hiring process is flawed and that age bias is all too common.  More than anything, we believe there’s an untapped market filled with amazing, talented people who can help companies excel and rise above the economic impact of the pandemic.

That’s why we’re building a pilot program for people with 20+ years of experience. We have 400 spots available and the deadline is May 14, 2021. Please review and share this link with anyone who’s interested in participating in our pilot program. There’s no fee to apply. Join us for positive change and an easier way to be matched with companies that know the value of hiring older job candidates.

Reviewed & Recommended:

Recruiting Actions Companies Need To Take Now To Improve Workplace Inclusion

Why Social Constructs Are Created

Ageism is a global challenge: UN 18 March 2021

On our way to Mt. Hood a few weeks ago, I totaled my car.  My teenage daughter yelled, “Watch out!” and the next thing I remember, airbags and dust were filling up my car.  A woman jumped out of the car I’d hit and saw that I was hyperventilating and called 911. Then she comforted my crying daughter by wrapping her in a blanket and told her everything would be alright. Nobody was hurt and the other car didn’t have a scratch.  We were very lucky.  

It made me think about how people respond in a stressful situation. Obviously hyperventilating isn’t ideal but I couldn’t see the other car (airbags will do that) and I was concerned the other person might be hurt - or worse.  I read an article recently called You're Only As Good As Your Worst Day and thought this day qualified as one of those “worst day” moments. In that article Shane Parrish explains that it’s not about being perfect under immense stress or behaving according to plan when everything goes awry. “It’s because what you do on your worst day is impossible to fake.”  He goes on to say that your plans and preparation (or lack thereof) show how much you really care about the people who depend on you. He was referring to leaders and how they respond when employees are fearful in a time of uncertainty but it resonated with me and how I wanted to respond in the presence of my daughter. So we wrote a note to the woman whose car I’d hit, thanking her for her kindness and the warm blanket.

“Everyone makes mistakes, has setbacks and failures. You don't come with a book on how to get it right all the time. You will fail sometimes, not because you planned to, but simply because you're human. Failure is a part of creating a great life. Stand up to it and handle it with grace. Because, you can.” - Les Brown

Setbacks Won’t Rock the Boat (as much)

Author and psychologist, Rick Hanson, University of California, Berkeley said, “. .As you build up this unshakable core inside, when the waves of life come, they don’t rock your boat so much. And they don’t capsize you. And you recover more quickly.”  Resilience is remaining calm under pressure, and in the face of the demands of life, work, or any transition that requires a new way of being in the world, such as a divorce, job loss, changing corporate environment, death, or illness. It isn't that nothing affects us, but rather, that we are able to handle the stress or move in a new direction after a setback or change.”  It's about the ability to adapt. Barbara Bradley Hagarty, a journalist, wrote: “Bad events seem to cluster in midlife. But people with charmed lives — zero traumas — were unhappier and more easily distressed than people who had suffered a few negative events in their lifetime. According to resilience research, some setbacks give you perspective and help you bounce back.”  

Embrace The “Steeling Effect”

“There’s something called the ‘steeling effect’ that makes us stronger,” says Michael Ungar, founder of the Resilience Research Centre in Nova Scotia, Canada. “If we’ve come through adversity, that means we’ve also developed a set of coping capacities. We know how to reach out for help. Or we know that this, too, will pass. Over time, resilient people develop the mental toughness to face what life throws at them. They learn to cope, even live joyfully, with less-than-ideal circumstances.”

In midlife, our collective setbacks create a greater capacity to overcome personal and professional obstacles. Although I’m not quite ready to get behind a steering wheel, I know that this feeling will not last forever and that in the future, I will be the most alert driver EVER.  We never know when stressful situations or even tragedy will strike. We never know when our friends or family members will need us immediately.  We never know when our last day will come but while we’re on this planet, we can choose how to respond in less than ideal situations and be even more prepared for the next setback.

Reviewed & Recommended:

NPR Article: Setbacks: 8 Ways You Can Survive — And Thrive In — Midlife

Book: Being Mortal: What Matters in the End

NYT Article: Sheryl Sandberg - How to Build Resilient Kids After a Loss