Author: Emily Clay

A pandemic, giant forest fires, joblessness, kids learning from home are all becoming a regular part of life.  Although people show their resilient side during difficult times, tension has a way of increasing when too many pressures pile up.  This is why setting healthy boundaries should be part of every midlife wellness plan.  If we happen to be people pleasers, setting personal boundaries is even more important.  It’s a way to gain more control, build better relationships and be mentally ready for whatever comes next.

Over the weekend, my friend experienced a panic attack from anxiety.  Half her body was numb, her heart was racing and she was hyperventilating.  She was rushed to the emergency room where she thought she was having a heart attack.  She’s 54.  She had been helping her sister when others in her family weren’t able to and felt compelled to be the hero.  Putting others' needs ahead of herself wasn’t healthy and this was her wake up call.

Authors Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg wrote this description of boundaries in their book I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better: “Personal boundaries define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won’t do, what you like and don’t like, how far you will or won’t go, how close someone can get to you or how close you will get to another person. They are your value system in action.”  They also wrote, “Having a strong, comfortable belief in your own value system means you have choices and must take responsibility for your thoughts, beliefs, and actions.” So clarifying our boundaries in order to make sure others respect them is critical in order to have a healthier outcome. 

Tips on Setting Boundaries:

• Whose problems are they? Know which problems are yours and which problems are theirs. When people lash out, it’s typically because of their own insecurities and other life events they are dealing with that have nothing to do with you.  Although we can’t control what others say or do, we can control our response.  It’s OK to distance ourselves from someone who oversteps our boundaries and makes us feel uncomfortable.  Taking responsibility for your own actions helps as well.

• Articulate it calmly: State why someone’s action was disrespectful or hurtful and that you’re not going to tolerate it.  It’s not about pushing them away but it is about clarifying your own values and beliefs and honoring what is and is not OK.

• “That doesn’t work for me”: Although someone’s behavior may not change, your steady and consistent response will provide a mental safety zone. Have a few “no thank you” phrases and stick to those responses. Being consistent will help overcome any doubts or miscommunication.  When things feel overwhelming and people are asking for too much or push their agenda in some capacity, remember that saying “no” helps boost your own confidence and overall wellness and ability to have healthier relationships.  Looking out for yourself is important so put your oxygen mask on first.

• Lean on your friend network:  Having a solid group of friends who provide honest feedback and lift you up is beyond helpful during a stressful time like the one we’re in now.  Happy hour Zoom calls have been a blessing.

As Caitlin Cantor, author of a recent Psychology Today article wrote, “No one else can decide what is acceptable to you besides you. If someone isn’t respecting your boundaries, you don’t have to wait helplessly until they do. You can take action to take care of yourself. You have more power than you realize, but you have to stop blaming others and start taking ownership of your life.” Amen.

Reviewed & Recommended: 

Psychology Today: Set Clear Boundaries and Stop Accepting Less Than You Deserve 

Huffington Post: Brené Brown: 3 Ways To Set Boundaries 

Pre-pandemic, the New York Times wrote about wellness for all of us midlifers and offers some interesting advice.  For example, they recommend creating a midlife mission statement which I think is brilliant.  In order to get started, they recommend asking yourself the following questions: 

• How do you want to be remembered?
• How do you want people to describe you?
• Who do you want to be?
• Who or what matters most to you?
• What are your deepest values?
• How would you define success in your life?
• What makes your life really worth living?

They also included a “7-Minute Workout for Real People” complete with a chart on what to do and how many reps.  It’s already pinned to my wall in my she-shed - now let’s hope I don’t just stare at it. 

Here are additional resources we found for midlifers:

Losing COVID Weight Gain

We’ve all heard of “covid cush” or “the quarantine fifteen” referring to a few too many visits to the fridge.  When it becomes a rare occasion when you choose to wear real pants with a zipper (not stretch fabric), no wonder we’re feeling a bit off our game.

As the New York Times covered recently, there are some excellent tools to get yourself back on a more normal routine.  Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up if a bit of weight gain has happened in the last five months.  It’s normal but keep in mind that focusing on it does not help. As Christy Harrison, a nutritionist said, “Fearing weight gain and feeling bad about your body takes you away from what really matters and being able to participate in this cultural moment,” Ms. Harrison said.  And right now, many of us in midlife are looking more closely at what really matters.  So a few more LBs have shown up?  Meh.

Meditation

Meditation in midlife can be an effective way to release a ton of anxiety. Some believe it’s too “woo woo” but science backs up it’s benefits - especially during uncertain times. Some people recommend saying exactly what you want out loud. Having a meditation or calming routine in the morning has changed so many people’s lives.  One friend said it has made such a huge difference in her personality that her daughters can tell if she has not meditated that day. So here is A list of meditations and affirmations from Us Anderson, a well-known mystic to get started.

Research says there should be no screen time before bed because of the blue light that delays the release of sleep-inducing melatonin, increases alertness, and resets the body's internal clock (or circadian rhythm) to a later schedule.  However, watch this meditation an hour or two before you go to bed and you’ll never be the same. The scenery and music are lovely.

If you only want to listen to the music, here is their sleep playlist that I highly recommend before dozing off.  

Yoga + HIIT 

Yoga with Adriene is excellent and she’s had her YouTube channel since 2012.  Her goal is to connect as many people as possible through high quality free yoga videos.  All levels, bodies, genders are welcome.  If you happen to be new to yoga, check out her “Yoga for Beginners” and “Foundations of Yoga” series. If yoga is not your thing, you can find a variety of work out classes on the PopSugar Fitness channel on YouTube.  If I can try hip hop dancing, so can you.

Overall Midlife Advice

James & Claire are a husband and wife team from England and started a podcast in 2019 called “Midlife Mentors” and in addition to their lovely accents, they are humorous and tackle many of the things that concern midlifers and offer advice and solutions.  The first one is about health and happiness and it’s a great conversation about getting uncomfortable in order to gain confidence and move forward.  They encourage people to try new things - especially if boredom sets in.  They believe that is a sign that you’re not stretching yourself and taking risks.  

Another good resource is the Midlife Mentors collection called “Surviving Fear” from March 19th.  For the male midlifers and overall podcast advice, “Midlife Conversations with Jeff and Carlos” is funny.  They have some serious topics but most of the time it’s great to hear them laugh at each other.  Podcast #51 called, “Spring Cleaning for the Soul” talks about the mental health benefits of tidying up.

We hope you find these wellness resources helpful. Have an amazing weekend!

-Emily & Nick